My world made of water, did the wind blow you away?
At this point I realize how close to death I was back then. 'Coz my daily rutine was a circle. A vicious circle that was consuming my energy, draining the life out of me. The piano...just a broken memory of what I used to hold dear. The school...a hateful place, with noisy and crowded spaces. My room...the place where the devil made himself at home, playing the same images over and over again, making me smile and cry at the same time.
And there was the red tree. Ahhhhh, another one who was tormenting me with waves of memories I wanted to forget. He made me think of murder. Yes. Murder. I was going to become a criminal just to escape those suffocating moments when I was wondering why was I even alive? My mind went blank that day. The day when I, Yang Seung Ho, decided to be a murderer. 'Coz the hell that took over my life was screaming inside me, I sneaked inside my father's workshop and took out the red chainsaw. Such a hateful tool! I always hate it. I always thought it was a stupid thig that was destroying Mother Nature's creations, centennial trees were put down with this tool. And I, I was going to become a murderer using it.
I don't remember what I did as I headed towards the hill. I don't remember the road. Nor seeing anyone.
I was determined. To escape everything I had to cut everything that wa rotten. And if that would have brought me some peace, I would have taken out my heart as well. Feed it to the dogs. Burn it. Burry it. I no longer cared. 'Coz the pain in my chest was way to greater for me to handle.
And there I was. Standing in front of the red tree. He was rising up proudly, speading his branches, embracing the infinite sky. He was there, still there. Sitting silent and waiting for me to make my move.
"Why? How? How can you be here, bringing her back into my head? Why? Why can't you just shriver up and dissapear from my life like she did?! WHY? Why can't you leave me alone?"I cried while throwing the chainsaw on the ground. "Today I came here to kill you. Only the thought of doing that is leaving me breathless. I can't do it! I just can't! But I should. I should cast you away. You and her. You two poisoned my life. And I, like a sick masochist that I am, I'm letting you play with me. I swear, I will someday cast you aside like she did. I swear I will!"
And I left. Rain was pouring her cold water over my, but the only thing I could feel was the trace of warm tears on my cheek...
"Seung Ho, someone's asking for you on the phone,"I heard my mother's voice from downstairs.
"Who is it?"I asked, not bothering to leave my book down.
"It's from the States."
My heart stopped. I stumbled on my own feet as I ras across my room and down the stairs. It couldn't be. My nightmare was getting real. They called me to let me know she was...dead.
"Yeoboseyo?"I said with a trembling voice.
At that moment I heard bells. Yeah, bells ringing inside my head. It was like a dark veil was lifted from my eyes, letting me see the real light. The voice that brought once again those icy-blue colored pair of eyes.
"Seung Ho? Are you still there? Yeoboseyo?"
"I'm here,"I heard myself saying on a tone that didn't belong to me. Why was I cold? Why was I that way when I could have died of happiness at that very moment?
"Seung Ho! How have you been? Sorry for not calling until now, but it was so hectic here!"she happily chattered.
"Is that so? And how's life there, Mi Rae? Are you ok?"
"Yeah. New York is fascinating! It's soooooo...crowded,"she laughed. "Neh Seung Ho, you know, I went to Juilliard."
"And how is it?"
She took a deep breath. "Difficult."
"Here are only the best of the best. Everyone is so perfect in what they do. It's a miracle I got in."
"Mi Rae, give yourself some credit. You're a great dancer! And you know it very well. Those americans are no better than you. Just be yourself and everything will work out just great, ok"
"Thanks, Seung Ho. I miss you..."
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling, blinking to get rid of my tears. "I miss you too, Mi Rae...I miss you too..."
I swear I still do...
She was always calling me once or twice a week. And she poured her heart out, letting me believe that I was stil the same Seung Ho, her best friend forever.
"I'm sorry, Seung Ho,"she said one evening as we happily chattered about her upcoming show.
"About leaving you behind. About breaking my promise towards you,"her soft voice tickled my ear.
That was like rubbing an unhealed wound.
"It's ok. It's understandable,"I said after a minute of awkward silence.
"Neh Seung Ho, please tell me. is there something you would like me to promise to you? Anything?"
I thought about it for a second. Yes there was. Never forget me, never leave me, never dissapear from my life, never cast my heart, forever be my best friend...please don't fall in love there?
"Yeah, there would be a thing,"I whispered, messing my hair.
"What's that, Seung Ho?"
"Be the best out there."
"I will. I promise you,"she replied with a giggle. "Seung Ho, you never changed! It's like I can see you right now, right in front of me!"
I smirked while closing my eyes. "Mi Rae, close your eyes. Can you see me?"
She giggled. "I see you."
I streached my arm and caressed the imaginary Mi Rae's cheek.
"Seung Ho! That tickles!"she giggled.
"What tickles?"I asked confused.
"Your hand on my cheek. You're doing the same thing you used to do when we were kids...you're sweet..."
Sometimes we just forget how deep relationships can grow. An how they can overcome any kind of distance.
Space, time, why did you take all from me?
And then, suddenly, she stopped calling. After a year, I received nothing from her, but silence. Silence. So deep and dark that my heart hurt everytime I dreamed of her. Those beautiful eyes that I could now see only in pictures...why did you left me?
"Seung Ho, why don't you go for a walk? I heard that this side of the lake is beautiful,"said my mother smiling.
I stood. "I'll be back soon."
And I walked towards the bridge I saw on our way here. It was beautiful, made of white stone. Mi Rae would have loved it, 'coz it looked like it was taken out from the fairytales.
I leaned over the bridge's edge. The lake's water was so clean. Shining in the sun's light...
And then I saw something in the water. Something was glowing in the water. Something blue. Sapphire blue. I streached my arm. If only I could reach it...I...
The cold water was washing my body and it felt like millions of fingers were tounching me, like millions of voice were calling me. And I closed my eyes.