"AISH! Hyung! Really now! You need to stop embracing me every time I come to wake you up. What would the others think?"mumbled Thunder struggling to get away from my arms.
"Sorry,"I huskily said, letting go of him.
"Had a nightmare again?"
"Ok then. You get an extra serving of pancakes,"he smiled. "Look at you! Only the word 'pancake' made your face light up,"he joked.
"Shut up!"I threw the pillow at him.
He laughed while dodging it. "Now now, hyung! Everyone knows you like to eat. Don't make me come again,"he added before closing the room's door.
I put my feet on the cold floor and propped my elbows on my knees. Again. It happened again. That dream, 'coz it was a dream and not a nightmare, was tormenting me once again. I opened nightstand's drawer and took out yellow bottle of pills. They were the strongest sleeping pills on the market. My personal doctor assured me of that when he prescribed them to me two months ago. And still, my dream was still there, tiring me, sucking out the litle energy I had left after the practice.
I stood and threw the bottle in the empty bin next to the desk. "Stupid doctor...why is he called 'the best' if he can't make a stupid dream stay away from me?"
"Yah, Seung Ho!"called G.O. opening the door. "Do we have to wait for you even longer? C'mon, man! We're hungry and Joon is drooling all over the pancakes!"
"Yeah, yeah. Be right there, no need to make a fuss,"I replied while looking for a pair of clean pants in the pile of clothes that was on the floor. "AISH! G.O. haven't I told you not to eat in here?! Now look at my beautiful pants,"I burst, showing him my favourite pair of blue sweat pants.
"That's not mine!"he defended. "I don't wat KitKat! YAH! JOON! MOVE YOUR ASS HERE!"
As expected he appeared half naked. "What now?"
"You're the sweet addict in this dorm. You tell me what's wrong! How did my blue pants get this huge spot of chocolate on the left leg? Huh?"
He shrugged. "Hyung, I don't eat in your room. After you scolded me last time I eat my sweets in the kitchen and nowhere else."
"AISH! I don't care anymore! Find the culprit and bring him to me!"
"Why is hyung talking like a yakuza?"butted in Mir.
The guys smirked. "'Coz he is one!"they said in one voice.
Now this is pissing me off! I hadn't had a good night of sleep, my favourite pair of sweat pants was stained and my room was smelly. Not a nice way to begin your day. Not at all!
"Ohohoho! He's about to burst!"whispered the guys, elbowing each other while trying to leave the room before I could snap.
I smiled bitterly. I really need to go to the doctor once again. I can't live up to my hectic schedule if I don't get any sleep because of a stupid dream! I don't care if he has to hypnotize me or beat the crap out of me! I need at least one night of good sleep.
"Now everyone will pick on my dark circles once again,"I mumbled while looking at my reflected image in the mirror above the sink. "I don't think you'll be helping much,"I adressed to the BB Creme tube. "But let's give it a try! I look like I got a good punch stright into my face."
"Oh, guys! This is your lucky day,"smiled our manager as we stopped the music.
"How come?"panted G.O.
I just sat on the floor and relaxed my tired muscles.
"Really?! This means...BOWLING EVENING!"yelled G.O. falling onto his knees. "Nononono! I know something even better! Karaoke!"he was practically drooling all over.
I rolled my eyes. "I'll pass that, thank you,"I said while standing and taking one of the towels. "I need to go...somewhere."
The members nodded. It was ok to be with them since none of them was butting in my private business. So no one knew about my sleeping problems. Except for Rain hyung, of course.
"What are you going to do, Seung Ho?"asked G.O. as we were getting ready to leave the company's building.
"I'll go for a walk, or to the gym,"I shrugged. "I need some time to think,"I added frowoning at my vitamin water bottle. "Yah!Haven't I told you not to drink my water?!"
"Sorry, hyung! That was me,"said Thunder with a worried expression. "I was thirsty and I...I'll buy you another one after we get out of here."
I sighed. "Never mind that. Are you ready? Let's go!"
As expected, a bunch of tireless fans were waiting at the entrance. Lucky for us, the vas was waiting at the back entrance so there were no problems and no need to put a happy-go-lucky face on. I wonder why are they like that? Following us 24/7, being wherever we were and knowing pretty much our whole schedule...wasn't it difficult? I mean, don't they have a life too? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! I love my fans! But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I was a normal guy, having a normal job. Like being a barista. Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it?
I opened my room's door slowly. The dorm seemed to be peaceful. So they left...good.
After taking some of Joon's sweets, I closed the door back. Yeah, I ate sweets in the bedroom and I ws probably at fault for staining my favourite sweat pants with chocolate. Yeah, I know. I lied. But you know, sometimes I just need a scapegoat in order to relax my nervs. It's not like it's a crime! Anyway...where did I put it? I opened the drawers one after another. Usually, I put in in my nightstand's drawer. Or in the desk's drawer. But today it wasn't in either of them. I panicked. What if...one of the members found it? What if...one of them read it? Nononononono! I can't think of that! Or else I'll have an heart attack! It can't be outside the room, so all I needed to do was to search for it. AHA!
"So here you were,"I mumbled with a smile as I took the old textbook from beneath my pillow. "Let's see..."
Like a habit that it was, I opened at the first page:
Yes, it was my old-new diary. My one and only confidant. He knew all my secrets and kept them well hidden between his old, yellow pages. All my secrets since I was 14. But then again, there was something strange about it. It had many pages filled with photos. Photos with me and a girl, photos with that girl. I remember that my mom handed my diary before moving out, 3 years ago. She said she kept it safe for me and that she would like me to take a look at it. And so I did. But I didn't remember doing any of those things written there. Nor taking those photos. Nor the people that were surrounding me in those photos. But still, I took the diary with me. And I made a habit from opening almost everyday, looking at the photos and putting down my own feelings.
What was more interesting was my obsession for that girl. Her icy-blue eyes and her fair complexion...it looked like a godess. She looked happy in the photos that revealed her in front of a red tree or while putting on her shoes or while placing her slim fingers over the piano's keyboard. Those were the only photos in which she looked happy and peaceful. 'Coz all the others were nothing else but newspaper extracts, articles cuted out from old newspapers and glued down on the yellow pages of my diary. And those unclear pictures, erased by years that passed over them revealed a mature version of the girl which used to smile in a casual outfit on the first pages of my diary. A version which was looking pale, lifeless with a large bouquet of roses in her arms. She was a ballerina. That's the only thing I knew about her, 'coz the articles were praising her for her performances in New York, Sydney, Washington, Los Angeles, Miami, Boston, Seattle, Moscow, Paris, Berlin and so many other important cities of the world.
"Oh how I wish I knew who you are...or should I say, what you meant for me?"I muttered as I flipped the pages of the textbooks.
My fingers stopped at a written page, dated 17th of October 2003. It was the second post written after two years of silence. There something drew my attention:
I don't know if this is right. I don't know if I should trust you or not.
But I have to tell this to someone. My mother is just smiling when I tell her this, but seriously now! I have the constant feeling that I'm forgetting something...or someone? Something important is missing and I just can't put my finger on it. I inventoried all my things. I went through all my toys. I even went upstairs to the attic. Bleah~~ :( It was horrible! And the result was not satisfactory. It's missing. Something. Someone. Anything. And I just can't remember. I don't know what happened to me. And this things scares me like there's no tomorrow!
I remember my mother told me I had an accident. What kind of accident she refused to tell me. That's when I started to think that I suffer from amnesia. I looked up on the Net amnesia's symptoms. But they don't match with mines. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I don't know what to say.
And there are moments when I just want to accept this empty feeling I get. That's when it began. My nightmare. Well, it's not actually a nightmare. It's more like the most tiresome dream I ever had. And the strange thing is that it's repeating itself. It's dark around me. Dark and cold. And a voice is talking to me. Is making me remember something about a water. And I always end up having to chose between saving my life (it's supposed to be in danger?!) and seeing the owner of the voice. And everytime I wake up from it, all sweaty, I think that I chose wrong. That I should have ran the other way, towards the voice. 'Coz that unknown presence is always warning me, playing with me, making me leave her.
I don't know what to think. Or do. I just hope with time it will fade away. And that you, Mr. Diary, won't betray my trust.
But it didn't fade away. It remained lingering around me, torturing me everytime I needed sleep. Everytime I was tired, this damn dream came at the surface of my subconscious. And if neither the psyhiatrist or the sleeping pills were helping me, then that was left for me to do was to wait and hope it will fade away someday. Or do some investigations on my own.
The latter one was more appealing to me. Investigations...
C'mon, Seung Ho! You get to play detective with your own past!