I woked up again between the same white walls. I took a deep breath and streached my arm to grab the water bottle from the nightstand. Bu I accidentaly pushed it. The sound was really loud... Who was I fooling? Why was I keeping all in?
I looked out on the window. The city lights were beautifully displayed, showing a lively crowd enjoying the falling snow. Why were they out there? How could they still smile like that? How could they perceive the music as something more than a wreak for all the dreams I had, for all the smiles I let out after arriving in New York? Couldn't they feel that I was dying?
I pushed the hospital's door and stepped outside into the coldness of the night. Midnight. The moment anything and everything might come true. The moment I stop dreaming. I looked behind. Dark shadows were following me closely. I ran. And ran. I could feel the snow creaking under my bare feet, I could feel the bite of the coldness. I could feel, see and hear everything....and yet, I was running like a blind man, deaf to the sobs of my own heart...A stone. I tripped over and fell on my knees.
I looked behind me. "Yang Seung Ho, you're an idiot!"I laughed like a crazy man. "You're an idiot...that's your own shadow!"
Indeed, waiting paciently behind me was my shadow. Thin and blurry, it was waiting for me to overcome my pain.
"I can't! Stop following me!"I argued with the elongated shadow that followed my batty moves. "Leave me alone! I want to embrace the cold and become one with it. I can no longer be here. My place is no longer here. Why can't you see this?! And why do you keep following me everywhere I go? STOP IMITATING ME!"I yelled, throwing snow towards the silent shadow.
I continued walking barefooted.
"This city is full of pain. They can't see it. But I can. I can see it everywhere I go. They long for something they can not have hee and yet they continue smiling and sending winks to the others. This city...is tained by the fallen angel's wings."
The hill. I took a quick glance behind. The hospital's windows were illuminated and somehow inviting me to go back. But I turned around, filling my lungs with the cold, stingy air of February. I was shivering, but I no longer cared. There was a song inside of me.
"World, tonight you'll be me solo stage..."
"There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again"
I chocked with my own tears. The nails were digging in my hands flesh, but still, I carried on singing. There must have been a way out for me! The light at the end of my tunel couldn't have died just like snapping the fingers!
"...And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope..."
The snowflakes were dancing around, melting in the steam of my breathing. So pure and white, but easily to destroy and forget.
My world, what has it become of you?
"I give you my destiny, I'm giving you all of me..."
The traces that my fingers left on the fluffy snow were the lines of a face. The delicate jaw line. Lips which color could not be painted on the white of the snow. Soft cheeks, so kissable and tender. And the eyes. Dead lines drawn on snow, that could never bring out the true color of them. Icy-blue eyes...