Another sleepless night. This would be the third actually.
I glanced at Baba. He was standing still on my old desk, watching my every move with his emotionless eyes. "Don't look at me like that!"I frowned. "I don't understand! I really don't! Look at me! Since I remembered, I can't close my eyes for one second without seeing her in front of me. I can't sleep without hearing her voice calling my name. I can't do ANYTHING! She's everywhere and nowhere...she's...am I crazy, Baba?"
But the teddy bear was to preocupied with standing still to answer my question. I sighed.
"Of corse you're crazy, Seung Ho! You're talkin' to a stuffed toy! A stuffed toy!"I mumbled plugging in my ear the phone's headsets. "I need some music to calm down. Maybe I'll get some rest if I concentrate on something else..."
I browsed through my playlist and stopped at Beyonce. 'Halo'.
"I can see your halo, halo, halo, uuuuuuuuhhhhuuuuuu..."
And there she was again. Moving gently with the melody, dacing before my closed eyes. She was...superb. Wearing her white ballerina outfit, her figure danced gracefully, making it's way into my heart. I could not see her face. She wasn't looking at me. But I could feel her smile. I knew she was smiling 'coz I was happy. And remember that I was always happy whenever I saw her smile. That smile. With perfect white teeth strung like some white, shining pearls behind her rosy lips...that's the smile that hounted me for so many years and made me cry so many tears in my sleep.
Then she turned her face towards me. She as pale. Her eyes were sparkling dead on her tired face. She looked like a corpse. And with her stiff smile, as if someone was pulling her on strings, she continued dancing, moving with the same grace, but lifeless. She was one of the ugliest dreams.
"Everything I need and more
It's written all over your face..."
With fluid moves she approached me. She was...cold. And I could feel the chills she gave me down my spine. She danced around me, tormenting me with her skin's perfume...the sweet smell of lillies. But then she looked me strainght into my eyes. It was like her dead eyes were burning a whole through my soul, seeing all and knowing all. Her rosy lips curved into a smile as she continued her dance away from me.
"Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace..."
She was moving fast around me, making me feel dizzy. One moment she was in front of me, the next she was somewhere far away, glowing like a dying star in the shadows of my dreams.
"Pray it won't fade away..."
And she died slowly under my eyes, dissapearing like the moon from the sky when the morning comes. She perished. Vanished like the Morgan le Fay of a desert. Leaving me with only the last sight of her sad, stiff smile...
"NO!"I shouted, jumping up with my arm streached. It took me a whole minute to realize where I was. Recognizing my room I sighed and wipped off my sweaty forehead. "Now I'm really really pissed off! Why can't you give me a break?! I remembered you, ok? What else do you want more from me?"I mumbled, punching the pillow. "I can't give you anything more than that...you left me, Mi Rae! And you know it very well that you're responsable for this much more than I am. So why can't you leave me alone?!"I muttered in the dark, somehow hoping that someone would reply to my frustration.
"Neh, Mr, Kwon, tell me, what do you know about Choi Mi Rae?"I asked while I helped him plant a new bush of roses in the front garden.
The old man stood and wipped his sweat with the back of his hand. "Young master, I thought I will never hear you again asking me about the agasshi,"he then replied with his casual smile. "What can I tell you more than you already know? She's the one that brought color to your life, that's for sure!"
I frowned. "More like nightmares,"I muttered under my breath.
"Young master, please don't blaim miss Mi Rae for leaving Korea. She was young when she accepted her mother's idea. And she, like you, dreamt of becoming a star. And she did what she tought it would be the best...but she never ceased to send you letters after she couldn't call you anymore,"said the gardener, putting down his gardening gloves.
"Letters? What letters? I never got any letters from her!"
"But you did, young master! I saw them with my own eyes when the postman gave them to your mother. Of course, I guess she didn't pass them to you since you were in such a frail state of health and mind back then."
I nodded and continued my work in silence. Of course that the first ting I did when I went inside, was to go straight to my parents room. My mother was keeping the correspondence in a pink, old cookies box. I found the box in their old closet. I took it out and opened it with trembling fingers. And they were there. Red, white, pink and green envelops, all with the american flag on their stamp. I decided to read the one with the red envelope...
"My dearest Seung Ho,
I can now understand why you haven't replied to my last letter. I'm sorry. I should have chosen my words more carefully...
But how can you be like this, Seung Ho? Keeping silence for such a long time is definitely a bad thing! I know, you have all the reasons to be mad at me, but still! I'm still your best friend, Yang Seung Ho! Even if I'm not there, phisically next to you, I'm with you in my every tought and dream. I'm next to you, Seung Ho. I'll always be!
Remember the things we did when we used to be little? People used to tease us that we'll get married before we can tell. But we won't, will we, Seung Ho? I mean, I'm not implying anything, but I somehow...uhhhh...well, I accidentally met with your sunbae here in NY. Yesung? I think this is the nickname you gave him :) Well, he told me that you began going out with that new transfer girl you have in your school. Andrea, I think? Good for you, Seung Ho! I heard that she's a nice girl and pretty too!
Now, I will send you these two tickets even though I know that you won't be able to come. But Seung Ho, I...I need you here next to me. I...it's going to be my first show outside Juilliard and I kinda...uhhhh...I'm afraid, to be honest. Yes, that's it! I'm scared of going on that stage, knowing that there will be many unknown faces and there won't be you in the public, cheering for me. I'm afraid of what going on stage means. I...but you won't be able to come, will you Seung Ho? Oh, Seung Ho! If you'd knew just how much I miss being around you! It's making me dizzy when I think about the past.
How's the red tree doin'? I hope you didn't make him lonely ^^
I miss you. I really do.
Forever with love,
Your ballerina, Mi Rae."
"Why did she wrote my name so many times?"I mumbled frowning. The I saw the P.S. written with red ink.
"P.S. You must be wondering why you see your name so many times on only one page ^^ Well, I always liked your name. And I will always like it! And I miss you. Please don't forget me?"
I stood there with the letter in my hand. What she was doing was not fair. She was playing with me. With my heart and feelings. She knew I was weak when it was about her. She knew it and she was taking advantage!
I looked down at the tickets that fell from inside the envelope. "I wish you all the happiness in the world..."
But no matter how hard I tried to let go of her, she continued to appear in my every dream. Every night. Every day. She was always around me. And the lillies perfume...
"Thanks for accepting my invitation, Yesung,"I warmly smiled, opening the door for him. "I wasn't sure if you're still in Anyang or not..."
He looked around with curiosity and smiled. "It's ok. I kinda guessed that you'll need me sooner or later."
I lead the way to the living room. After bringing the tea, I sat in front of him, on an armchair. "Yesung...I remember now. I remember Mi Rae,"I started, putting down my cup.
He looked me with seriosity, encouraging me to continue.
"I...I want you to tell me something about Mi Rae, 'coz I'm pretty in the dark in here,"I frowned. "I don't understand why, why on Earth was I so stupid back then? Why was I always after her even though she never saw me as something more than her best friend?"
He smiled. "Seung Ho, don't ask me the same question I asked myself long time ago!"
I looked at him confused.
"Let's say that everyone knew that you have apuppy love for her. I think you did too back then. Ans her too. But there was never anything more between the two of you. Why? Maybe beacause she had the same effect on everybody?"he asked with dreamy eyes.
"Even me, Seung Ho, the school's 'ice prince' fell for her,"he reaveled with the same smile on his face.
At that moment I felt like punched.
"Don't worry. She never knew. And even if she did, I doubt she would ever look at me like she looked at you. Yes, Seung Ho, at you! You were like...I can't really express this in words, but here's what I can say: you were like the sun in her life. She was brighting up whenever she was close to you. Your name solely brought a smile on her face. I don't know if you understand how your behaviour was seen on the outside, but you two loked like two love birds, that were courting each other, playing and getting to know each other a lil' bit every day, as if you both knew that you were going to grow old together."
That was his explination. But I still didn't get it. I still couldn't understand my attachment. It was like the presnt me was not passesing the same thoughts and feelings like the past me. Like the past and present were delimitated after losing my memories. And confused, and sad, and trying to get away from her presence, I left, I returned to Seoul.
"Hyung!"exclaimed Mir, seeing me entering the apartment one morning, after many hours of driving in the presence of her 'ghost'. "Hyung! How come you're home?"
I yawned and put my bag on the floor. "What? Can't I come back whenever I want? Or what? Were you planning something without me? Don't worry, I won't ruin your plans for today. I need rest,"I said, shooting him my famous glare.
"Nononono! It's not that, hyung!"he hurried to explain. "It's just that..."
"SEUNG HO! YOU CAME???"yelled Joon, opening his bedroom's door. "I missed you..."
"Joon...you know that you're half naked, right?"
He pulled a little only to throw me a confused look.
"This looks...gay, Joon."
"Oh! Sorry! Hey guys, Seung Ho hyung is back!"he yelled, opening his room's door.
Perfect! Guests was all I needed! But even so, I put on my usual smile, preparing to gred Joon's friends. That's when I saw HIM.