Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Chapter 30. The Returnal

Seung Hyun’s POV
I got outside the hospital’s building and sat on the first bench that I saw. It was impossible, right? What Ra Nae said…it was impossible, right? I looked down at my hands:in the left one I was squeezing the crumpled black and white photo of Min Ji and in the right one, I was holding the small note with the so called address. I was confused. Really really confused. Why would Min Ji lie to me? Why would she leave me and never come back?
Then it hit me:the only way in which I could confirm Ra Nae’s story was to check the address. Right!
I took the first cab that appeared in my sight. After I gave the diver the address, I let myself get lost in my thoughts. Ra Nae was behaving weird…the contract was expiring in few days. And I had this kind of weird feeling that was telling me ‘Something’s wrong!’…
The cab stopped in front of a beautiful villa. It was a new construction, surrounded by a black fence, having a nice flower farden right in front of the white façade. I pushed the gate open and stepped on the path made of white stone that led the way to the front door. But I did not follow it, but went around the house to the back entrance. That’s when and where I saw her. It was the kitchen’s window…she entered the room, carrying in her arms a smiling baby. She was followed from behind by a man dressed in white. Strange thing, my heart did not clench from the pain.
The family was perfect in its simple structure:she was now his wife, the mother of his child, his entire story.
She was no longer mine. Actually, she was never mine if I think about it for a second. She was just a part of my life, a tiny piece of the story that was about to be written in my life’s book.
My life…my place…my person.
Another ones’ face appeared in front of me, blocking the sight of the happy family. Another ones words resonated in my heart…
“I’m proud of you, Choi Seung Hyun. And I wish you all the best that there is…”
“TAXI!”I called as soon as I reached the main street. “To the hospital!”
“Ra Nae!”I called as I opened the ward’s door. “I’m…”
But the room was empty. The bed was empty and clean. There was no evidence of her existance. It was like she dissapeared. It couldn’t be, right? She wouldn’t leave me, right? She wouldn’t leave me all alone, having no map whatsoever?
I left the hospital and got myself inside the cab that was waiting outside. My last hope was the house behind the junkyard…
“Please, Ra Nae…don’t go breaking my heart…”
I took a deep breath as I listened to the silence that surrounded the junkyard. It was…evil.
“Grandpa?”I called as I stepped inside the house. “Hyun Seung?”my voice echoed in the empty kitchen. “Where are you guys?”I called my friends, hoping tha tmaybe, maybe it was just some kind of a nightmare that I had after eating too much peppers.
The voice was calm. I turned around and met grandpa’s eyes. They were red.
“Here,”he handed over a white envelope that had my name written on it. “It’s from Ra Nae.”
And he left. I had this awful feeling inside…that she was no longer there. Her presence was now one with the wind?
“Dear Seung Hyun,
It’s not like a goodbye letter. No. I hope you don’t see it like that. Actually, is more as a review for the past three months that we passed together. Yeah, that’s right! Take it as a review…I hope you’re not crying right now, fatto!
Because of you my eyes were tained with that obscene image of your…thing hanging like a…well, like THAT thing. I still wonder why did I not recognize you at first, since you had the same sparkle in your eyes. Anyway, what I have to say to you is that at first I was shocked to find out that the man I respected the most in this world after my grandpa was actually a drunkard. Then I realized the drama you’ve been through and I knew that something should be done with you. So I started following you around, planning what had followed and what you lived. Now, I will not apologize for the way I treated you. I have no more room for remosrse in my heart right now…So just understand and maybe someday you’ll look behind you and smile at the memories we made together.
I feel like a freakin’ thief right now! But what did I took from you? Your apartment is still there as well as all your things. GD delivered them after you moved in the junkyard with us. You’ll find in the same envelope the new code from the door. So, what did I took from you in the end? I hope that little kiss I stole is not going to affect you in the future. If it will, I apologize right here. It was just…something I dreamt about for quite some weeks? I don’t know. I’m not good with words about love…
This is not a simple blabber from me. I, as I write right now, I wonder how was your meeting with your wife. Did it went well? Were you happy to see her alive? Were you sad? Did it break your heart to find out that she lied to you all that time? Did I broke your heart for hiding it for so long from you? I’m worrying here and there’s no way for me to confort you if you’re sad or in pain…I can oly hope that time will heal the rest of the scars as well. If you will forgive me some day, that’s your choice. As I said before, I do not apologize for the way I chose to mend your heart.
Now, as you read this I’m no longer in the same room, house as you. And let’s get real, I’ll never be there again. Nonononono, I’m not dead, if that’s what your twisted mind thinks! No. I just…left? Yeah, I left you and all the others. You see, I’m hurt too. But this wound of mine can be healed only if I stay away fromt higs that make me sad. And Korea…is the place where I lost track of myself so many times. I don’t want to give in to depression, so I left. You’ll be just fine without me, just like the others! Sneaky grandpa & Co. are going to miss me a lil’, but everything will pass. My presence will eventually fade away and everything will be back to normal…
Now, don’t you bitch me around, Choi Seung Hyun! ‘Coz monster knows everything!
Now that was one lame joke…
Anyway, this turn out to be the most weird letter I ever wrote. Wait! This is the only one!
And I’m sorry. And I wish I could see you right now.
But it’s no longer possible as I already left. Don’t be sad over thig crap, ok? ‘coz no matter what yesterday threw at you or what tomorrow brings, you’re the only one that can touch the horizon. I won’t ask you to forget me, because only the thought that I’m that forgetable it pains me. No, I won’t ask a foolishness like that. So please, stay well and remember that once there was one girl that called you ‘fatto’.

I will always remember the smell of your shadow,
Ra Nae
P.S. I love you.”

She left, huh?
Right when I finally realized where my place was…right when I was going to stay forever next to her, huh?
I placed the letter inside the envelope and looked at the white paper that it was made off. How could I dream of horizon when there was no place for me to rest? How could I not be suffering when once again I lost against the tides? And this time for real…
“I will not think about this now,”I said o myself as I walked to the room I used to share with her. “I will think about it tomorrow. ‘Coz after all, tomorrow is another day.”

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