It was him! He was really captain Choi Seung Hyun. The only one that made me get rid of my sadness that was threatening my life back then. He was…our fatto?!
“What are you doing?”I softly asked as I followed him inside.
He remained silent and continued to throw his things inside the bags.
“I asked what are you doing?”I cought his wrist and forced him to look at me.
“Can’t you see? I’m leaving,”he pushed my hand away and continued what he was doing.
“B-but…but you can’t go like this!”
“And why, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Because…because you still haven’t payed back grandpa! You can’t go!”
He chuckled. Why was his expression so bitter? “Don’t worry! I’ll send the money once I get home.”
I remained speechless in front of him. He was going to leave and I couldn’t do anything to stop him.
“Fine. Do whatever you like. It’s not like I’m gonna miss you or anything,”I puffed and left his room and entered mine. There I began moving back and forth. I looked at my old wallpaper. Was he really the one that was smiling so beautifully on that piece of paper? If so, why was he so crushed inside? What made him transform in that fat man, with no sex appeal?
“His wife died,”I mumbled, remembering his angry words from earlier. And so what? She died. Ok, their child died with her too. So what? People die everyday, don’t they? That’s what I would like to tell him, but I stopped myself and looked at my own hand. At least he was crying after a person. I…I was crying after a piece of flesh that has been ripped from me.
We all ate in silence. Grandpa, Hyun Seung and me. Fatto…no, captain left the house right after he packed his things. No goodbye, no smile, no nothing. He just dissapeared inside the taxi that was waiting for him.
“Is there something wrong with the foor, Ra Nae?”asked gradpa as I placed my spoon on the table.
“Now I don’t understand! How on Earth did he manage to look like that?! What has he been doing all this time?!”I frowned at the food in front of me.
“Now now, Ra Nae, let’s not judge people by appearances, ok?”grandpa smiled. “Seung Hyun has his past like you have yours and like I have mine.”
“Seung Hyun? Don’t tell me! You knew about this from the very beginning?”I looked at him.
“Of course I knew! Did you think that I bring just anyone in the house? What kind of man do you think I am, Kim Ra Nae? Plus, you should have recognized him from the very start. Hyun Seung here did it.”
I turned towards Hyun Seung and his food remained in the air. “You too?!”
He nodded and turned to his food again. I sighed. “Great…Just wonderful!”
Days came and passed and eventually everything turned back to normal. Hyun Seung was always there next to me. He made my hear beat faster and faster each time his fingers touched me. It had to be the right guy for me. Right? So I decided that I would confess to him.
I waited for the right time and right place. And that moonless night was perfect. We were outside, looking at the stary sky.
“Are you sleeping?”
“No,”his smile could be sensed in his tone. “Why?”
“I’ve got a question for you…”
“Hypothetical speaking. Just hypothetical! What would you do if I’d tell you that I like you?”I almost whistered the last words.
Silence. That was not good. I could practically feel my sweat dripp off my forehead. C’mon! Yes? No? Happy? Sad?
“Hypothetical speaking, I would tell you that I’m very happy to hear that…”
I could practically see pink stars before my eyes!
“…but, I would have to reject you.”
“W-why?”I tried to control my shaky voice.
“Because…hmmm…how should I put this to you? I’m already married.”
Now that was quite a bomb! I took a deep breath and looked at the sky till my blurry vision became normal again. Then I smiled. Curious thing, my heart was not hurting…too bad anyway.
“I understand. I’m happy for you then,”I managed somehow to put up a smile. “I think I’m going to sleep. Goodnight, Hyun Seung,”I said before entering the house.
Once inside, I let the tears fall down. There was no one to see me, so I had no reason to put up an act. And I was hurt. For the first time in my whole life, my heart was crushed because of love. Stupid love! But I was even more stupid!
“Why did you have to come into my life?”I mumbled as I closed the door of my room.
“Is there anything wrong, monster?”I heard a voice behind me. I dropped the wheel on my foot.
“FUCKING SHIT!”I swore, jumping on my unharmed foot. “The heck, Pororo?!”I turned towards the smirking boy. “Do you want me to have a heart attack or what?”
I looked at him confused. He was laughing his ass off. Just what the…?!
“You should have seen your face! Priceless!”he managed to say. “Priceless, monster!”
“Don’t call me that, Pororo!”I threatened, lifting the wheel and throwing it towards his face.
“WOW! Watch that! You can’t hurt a face like mine,”he touched his cheek and winked, thing which made me roll my eyes. “That’s better,”he then messed up my hair.
“What’s better, Pororo?”I frowned.
“You. Calling me Pororo. I can take this, but I can’t take your sad face, Ra Nae,”his face suddenly became all serious. “I really can’t take it…”
And there I was. And there he was. And his arms wrapped around me. My face resting against his chest and his heart beats. Everything was there…but yet there was something else in his hug. No, it wasn’t love, nor lust, not anything close to that. No. Something close to craving. Yes. He was longing.
“Y-yah…don’t go hugging me anytime you like,”I gently pushed him away with an awkwards smile. “I sorry if I made this all awkward,”I continued while passing my fingers through my messy hair. “Is just that…I didn’t know how to put up with my feelings. Now I think I know. So don’t worry, ok? Wanna be friends?”
He looked at my shaky hand and then at my face. His smile was gentle.
“Wanna be more than that. I wanna be your family, monster,”he shook my hand.
Family, huh? “A monster will never be the sibling of a bird, Pororo,”I teased him and run off.
“YAH! YOU MONSTER! COME HERE ALREADY!”
That’s right. Let’s be more of a family. Lovers can wait. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll be able to be together in some other time and place…
I went for a walk though the park. Even though it held so many painful memories, for me it still remained the most beautiful place in Seoul. The Han River with its shining waters in the sun’s rays of light, the kids running in the swings, lovers biking near the river with happy smiles on their faces…everything was peaceful there. Everything, but not my heart. I could laugh and be all bossy, but if I ever was to be alone, my lips would curl down and start trembling as well as my hands. The pain that I was feeling, the memories I wanted erased, everything was turning me into a gloomy being. Sadness was my closest friend. Pain was my lover. The tears were my enemies.
I sighed as I waked down the alley. The night began and I could see teens and young people heading towards clubs and parties. Was I special for not having such a hobby? Nope. I was an outcast. To be honest, I have no friends whatsoever. No one remembers me from high school. I have no relatives apart from grandpa Han, who isn’t even my real grandpa by the way. I was and am alone…
“Watch where you’re going, old man!”I snapped when some old geezer tripped on his own feet and fell right in front of me. “Huh?”I asked as I heard him mumbling something.
He raised his face and adressed me a drunk smile. “Well well, if it isn’t the monster herself! Hi there…”
For one second I thought I was gonna step on his face. But then I saw his face in the poor light and I recognized him as captain Choi Seung Hyun aka fatto. And I smiled.
“Aigooo, aigoooo! This is what you like to do in your free time?”I chuckled as I helped him stand. “Nice part time job you picked!”
I puffed from his weight, but I remained silent. I called a cab and I pushed him inside. I was going to send him home to the adress he himself gave me, but then I found myself worrying and I jumped inside the car too.
“What you made me do,”I muttered as I pressed the code of his apartment. The door opened and I dragged him inside. The light in the corridor turned off when we moved. I pulled my shoes off and his too and then continued to drag him inside the apartment. Somehow, I managed to find the bedroom from the first try.
“You’re heavy, fatto!”I let him fall on his king sized bed. “How can you be this fat and ugly when you have all those money to buy an apartment like this?”I mumbled as I looked around the room. The furniture was new and shiny, but everything was messy:there were clothes thrown on the floor, crumpled paper right next to the bin. At first sight, his apartment was perfect, but now that I was looking more attentive…The air itself was stinking! YUCK!
“Grandpa, sorry but I have some house work to do,”I whispered to myself as I rolled up my sleeves and started picking up his clothes. Sometimes, men are just like pigs…
Grandpa Han’s POV
“Aigoooo! When is that child returning home?”I sighed as I looked outsid the window for the nth time that evening. “Doesn’t she know that she’s making me worry? And worries are destrying the skin…”
“Grandpa, have you seen Ra Nae? I can’t find her anywhere,”Hyun Seung opened the door with a frown.
“She left to take a walk. But she should be home soon.”
He looked at me for a second. Oh no! Here we go again.
“Can’t we just tell her? Please? It’s hurting me to see her like this all crushed inside! Please, grandpa! I think it’s time she knew about…”
“Child, Ra Nae is barely learning how to stand on her own. She just had her first heartbreak and you want to tell her something big like that? Oh no, no! Trust me when I say to have a lil’ patience. She’s not ready yet. But she will. And when the time comes, I’ll let you tell her everything, ok?”
He just sighed in defeat. Like always.
“By the way, what did you tell her when she conffesed?”I asked smiling.
“That I’m already married. What could have I possibly tell her?! That it would have been a sin to accept her love?”
I just nodded. Like grandfather like grandson. His father was too soft and too difficult! Being sly is always better.
“When is that child coming back?”I whispered to myself as I watched the moon raising.